Porn is often a hot potato in romantic relationships and partnerships between men and women. Especially since most people secretly watch porn without talking about it with their partner. This raises the question: Does watching porn equal cheating? Are you being unfaithful if you watch porn? Is watching porn cheating?
Porn is not cheating in all relationships, but it is in other relationships. This is because “cheating” can mean different things to different people. Cheating, in the simplest sense, is an act that violates the agreed upon “rules” of a relationship. If both parties agree not to watch porn and one person still does it secretly, then this can be considered cheating.
In principle, however, watching porn is not cheating or infidelity. Cheating usually only occurs when a person knowingly crosses a line and does it secretly.
However, the most common problem many couples face is that they never really talked about porn before entering into a relationship. And this lack of transparency can lead to seriously hurt feelings.
Are you cheating on your wife or husband when you watch porn?
Some people assume that monogamy means porn is off limits. Others view porn as more of a personal, individual sexual activity and therefore don’t perceive it as cheating because no “real” other people are involved. One option, of course, is to watch porn together and give your sex life a breath of fresh air. Important to know: There is no right or wrong answer here. It’s just a matter of making sure that one person’s porn watching doesn’t negatively affect your relationship and that both of you feel comfortable.
Signs that porn is negatively affecting your relationship:
- You hide your porn use from your partner because you think he or she won’t approve of it
- Your desire and sexual interest only flows into porn, resulting in a sex-poor or sexless relationship.
- You or your partner expect sex with each other to look like sex in porn.
- You or your partner try to “perform” during sex to meet “porn standards.”
- You feel like you can’t ask for what you want in bed
- You feel pressured to mimic what you see in porn.
If you like watching porn and don’t know how your partner feels about it, it’s important to talk about it.
Here’s how you might start a conversation:
“I read an article about watching porn in relationships, and I realized we’ve never really talked about it before. I don’t want to keep secrets from you, so I thought it would be good to talk about it and find out how we both feel about it.” If your partner watches porn and you can seek an unbiased conversation. Try to understand the other person’s point of view.
Here’s how to talk about porn with your partner
- Reflect on your own opinions and perspectives.
Porn is ultimately media that is meant to be arousing by showing scenes in which actors and performers feel pleasure. Even if what your partner sees isn’t particularly pleasing to you, how do you feel knowing that it’s causing him or her to become fanatical? Also, have you perhaps ever been aroused by something that wasn’t directly related to your partner? If so (which is the case for most people), that’s normal and perfectly okay.
- Make honesty a priority.
Finding out about your partner’s porn use can sometimes feel pretty upsetting or even traumatizing. Why? Because it feels like there has been a secret between you all along. Hiding it is often more damaging than the porn use itself – which is why it’s important to talk about it.
- Consider how well the needs of the other or others are being met in your relationship.
How connected do you feel in your relationship? Is there excitement and passion in the relationship? Do you feel like your sexual and emotional needs are being met? Do you both feel sexy and desired?
- Build your sexual self-esteem.
For many people, knowing about our partner’s porn use can bring out our own insecurities – about the relationship, sex, and ourselves.
You don’t have to be a psychologist to understand that asking your partner to stop using porn altogether is probably not an effective strategy. This will probably only put more strain on the relationship. Instead of an ultimatum, you should look for ways to come together as a couple and breathe new life into the relationship. Ask your partner to really understand and comprehend your feelings and also really listen to him or her and try to understand the perspective.
Conclusion
Talking to your partner about sex can be uncomfortable for the uninitiated, but it is inevitable for a healthy relationship. A conversation is inevitable, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel for you.